Kate's Motel

What you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you.

Silence! I Keel You!

I’m not saying that my upstairs neighbors are terrorists just because they are Muslim. That would be racist, unfair, and just plain mean. In fact, I’m not saying they are terrorists at all. Not trying to get anyone red flagged here.

In the spirit of being innocent until proven guilty, I’m just going to lay out the facts and let people decide for themselves. And for humor’s sake, I’m going to refer to the couple as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Fact 1:
Mr. and Mrs. Smith live in a one bedroom apartment on the third floor. They have no children. Doo and I are still trying to decide if Mrs. Smith is pregnant or if she just really has an oddly shaped midsection. (I do realize that not everyone can be shaped as perfectly as Elizabeth Hurley.) If she IS indeed pregnant, I’m going to have to be a bit weirded out and I’ll tell you why. Mrs. Smith is in the same age group as my mother. Somewhere between 45 and 65. Mr. Smith is at most in his mid-20’s.

I get the whole cougar thing. There are just some lines that shouldn’t be crossed.

Cougars look like Ivana Trump and Courtney Cox and they have enough money from their alimony to avoid the tribulations of apartment living.

Fact 2:
They are awake and in a hurry at all hours of the day and night. I know this because I was awakened this morning at 4:45am to the sound of slamming doors and rapid heavy footfalls leading from the bedroom to the kitchen and back again several times.

Random jumping up and down above the exact spot where the light fixture hangs over our dining room table. Running from the bedroom to the kitchen for no apparent reason other than I will occasionally hear their smoke detector going off. (PS: Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Smith for burning whatever you cooked the other day and opening your balcony door to air out your apartment. I was enjoying the fresh, cool, autumn air with my own windows open that day and the aroma of your unintentionally (or not) blackened curry rice invaded my apartment like a healthy whiff of Agent Orange.)

Fact 3:
They tried to get me to sell them Doo’s Jeep. Now, I totally get bad credit. My own is not spectacular. And avoiding creditors by obtaining a vehicle through personal means could possibly be a good idea, if said vehicle is actually for sale. But there is a name for people that take away someone else’s only mode of transportation because they don’t have one of their own. Those people are called carjackers.

I’m just sayin’.

So I don’t have any hard evidence that my upstairs neighbors are terrorists. Sure, they listen to music that reminds me of the end of Moulin Rouge, and Mr. Smith just kinda has the sort of face that makes a man want to punch him right in the kisser, but I’m really beginning to believe that they aren’t terrorists. They’re just assholes.


November 24, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,


  1. I once had neighbors that had meetings in their living room at 2:00am. Meetings of perfectly sober people all dressed up like they were going to a meeting, not drunken people they happened to drag home from some bar. They kept a panel van parked in front of the house sometimes and the rest of the time it was kept covered in the garage. When I asked them where they were from she said “Afghan…” and he quickly shouted “PAKISTAN!”. After that they were forever known to us as the shady neighbors from Afghanipakistan.

    I don’t think they were actually terrorists, I just KNOW they had something juicy to hide and it’s always driven me nuts that I moved away without finding out what it was.

    Comment by Janet Krueger | November 24, 2009 | Reply

  2. Kate…..
    You have me in the WRONG age group. I am in 45-55 age group. Please make sure your readers know this.


    Comment by Carla | November 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. I just love watching people and being all up in their business, when they don’t know it. It’s the spice of my life. lol

    Comment by Sonya | November 24, 2009 | Reply

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