Kate's Motel

What you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you.

Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn’t Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

My fingers start twitching, I can’t sit still and for some reason my face itches.  I’m getting the shakes.  Having a difficult time with the can opener, but that could be nothing…I’ve never had much luck with electric can openers.  The left and right sides of my brain are arguing with each other and the cacophony inside my head is deafening.

“Just go to the store and get some, Kate.  You have the cash in your pocket.  It’s not going to break you, and you know you want it.  They‘ll sell it to you.  You don‘t need a fake I.D. to buy it now.”

“NO!  Don’t give up now!  Your health, your life, is at stake.  If you continue, you won’t have to worry whether your son had a good Christmas or not because you won’t be there to make a difference.  Sit your ass back down.”

Then the sweats come.  Even though it’s 28 degrees outside, I go from feeling like I need to streak naked on the balcony, to turning the heat up to the “Hell” setting.  Waves of nausea, panic attacks, I think I’m even hallucinating that giant Coke in the fridge.  I read somewhere that the hallucinations can last for up to 2 weeks…  Not good.

In the next months, I should expect profound confusion, disorientation, hyperactivity, and possibly a grand mal.

The cons of stopping are seeming to outweigh the pros.  Don’t they do Intervention shows about this stuff?  Maybe I need rehab.  Does Obamacare cover rehab?

This craving may kill me.  I really don’t think I’m strong enough to handle this.  When I had nothing else, I at least had this tiny outlet.  And who could really blame me after all I’ve been through?  It’s not like I sold blowjobs for crack…I could have found a much worse addiction…

I need a cigarette so bad.


January 2, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,


  1. I quit too. Actually my withdrawls aren’t that bad because I’ve managed to keep myself pretty well distracted (well, that and the nicotine patch I’m wearing might have something to do with it). The first three days are the hardest so you’re half way through the worst part! If it gets bad, just call me and I’ll talk you down.

    Comment by Janet | January 2, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s been 12 hours and I’ve almost talked myself out of quitting. I still enjoy it too much. I”m actually SAD about quitting. It’s a part of my life that I’m just not ready to give up yet. It’s my five minutes of quiet time. People say that smoking doesn’t really do anything to calm nerves, but I disagree. If it gets the person I’m currently pissed at out of my face for five minutes, then I say it does a great job at calming nerves.

      I can’t/don’t want to do this.

      Comment by Kate | January 2, 2010 | Reply

  2. Hang in there, Kate. I know you can do it. It’ll be SOOO worth it in the long run – trust me.

    Miss you!

    Comment by Aimee | January 2, 2010 | Reply

  3. I watched the love of my life – dying from cancerous tumors – in a hospice mind you, still have to get nicotine patches put on him so he could cope with the pain. Pain of what? Dying of cancer? Or the nicotine withdrawal?
    He’s been dead two years and I still miss him like hell. He was the only person that really understood my crazy ass.

    Keep trying Kate, I’m rooting for you! Besides, you don’t want to have those ugly little smoker wrinkles around your lips in a few years do you? LOL

    Comment by Debby | January 2, 2010 | Reply

  4. I hope you make it through this…I quit in 94, still crave them as big as Texas sometimes and still, unfortunately have idiots in my face…but, I can breath and smell really good. Dave still smokes and he stinks!

    Comment by Deb | January 2, 2010 | Reply

  5. I don’t care if you WANT to do it, no one WANTS to quit smoking. Anyone who says you have to want to quit for yourself is full of shit. Quit for Ryan so he doesn’t have to take care of you when you’re dying of lung cancer. Quit so you will always have enough money to support your coke habit…just do it. It will never get any easier!!!!
    I slipped a little yesterday and again this morning. I’m kicking my own ass and still climbing back on the wagon. Hang in there with me!!!!!!

    Comment by Janet | January 3, 2010 | Reply

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